The Occasional Loose Thoughts

This is awkward

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 02:25:51 GMT

FYI,
I've been required to keep a blog for a Family Communication class I've been taking. It wraps up next week, and there's only 6 entries, but if you're interested in learning weird things about my family life you're welcome to check it out. I didn't use this one because I didn't want my teacher/classmates snooping through this one (ha, as if they had the time or desire) libertystump.blogspot.com

Anyway, as regular update
Brandon and I moved into an apartment two months ago.
Tiny 1 bedroom. But it's all handicap accessible, which is pretty awesome for us (yay wide doorways we don't have to worry about scratching up with Brandon's chair!). Brandon's aunt is giving us a piano. Sweet! I hope I use it. I know I don't have the money to keep it in tune, so we'll see how it goes.

With financial aid working out how it did this year, I might get a car. My poor old craptastic Buick had trouble starting for a few weeks, luckily that seems to have stopped, though I have no idea why. I'm gonna run that poor thing into the ground.

I'm halfway through my degree. Church life is intense. In the Mormon religion, you are asked to fulfill 'callings' (i.e., sunday school teacher, ward choir director, bishop, nursery leader, whatever) they're not paid, and you're expected to never turn down (or seek) a calling. I'm intimidated by mine. We'll see how it goes.

Life is good. Brandon and I remain, as always, ridiculously happy. Especially now that we're out of the parent's basement. YAY!

Sidenote to Brian: Hi! Sorry I never write back to you on facebook or myspace or whatever. I'm a flake (ask Cat!) Happy late birthday! :] You're a good guy.

Anyway. Yeah. That's me for now. :] See you guys in another couple months!
Oh! Well, totally unrelated - I was thinking of joining a craft swap based on 100 facts about yourself. I got through writing most of the list, but chickened out of the swap because I didn't have the time. Anyway, if I think of it, I might post the list sometime. Remind me!

Liberty Liberty Liberty!

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:22:26 GMT

Hey there.
I used to be a padiddle. But it was kind of a fake padiddle... I had two headlights on if you kicked one of them, but then it would go out again if you went over a big bump or something. But now they're both out. BUT, both bulbs are still good. So what does that mean? A wiring issue? Nooo, it means I'm too poor to go to a mechanic and find out, so instead I'm driving around town like a butthole with my brights on at night. :[ sigh. Whatever. I pretty much freaked out when it happened. I'm easily stressed. (Well, also easily emotional when I'm PMSing).

(^^that was from last week)

Hi, it's Spring Break. Yay! I'm still working every day but Friday so it's not much of a break besides getting to sleep in. Next weekend Brandon and I are going to Minneapolis. He has his power soccer regional tournament there. Instead of staying in a hotel, we're staying with this couple I found on CouchSurfing.com It's way cool: people loan out their couches or spare bedrooms to travelers. We used it during our Honeymoon too. You should check it out. If you're not paranoid about scary people or being kidnapped or something like that. I like to think of it as an exercise in trust in humanity. A project to rebuild faith in the goodness of people. Or it's just a sweet money-saving, community of friends. Either way, I like it.

I started making a quilt. It's only about a square yard big, but I like it. I hardly use my sewing machine anymore, so I was glad to put it to some good use. I've only finished the cover- still need to add the batting and the back of it, but for now it's hanging on my wall. Because who knows how long it will be until I get the motivation to finish it again.

In this particular computer cubby I'm in at the school library, the clock face on the column in front of me looks like a person looming nearby out of the corner of my eye. Fun times. I need to think harder. I don't understand how I can be so intelligent but such an airhead at the same time. For instance, due to my occasional dyslexia, I've discovered that shower is an anagram for whores. Sweet!

I want so badly to move into a house. The market in Fort Wayne is so sweet hot right now for buyers. But we don't have the income to do it. :\ Not to mention I have no idea what our credit looks like. So I'm constantly looking at houses and checking out the for sale signs, with the painful knowledge that it's just NOT POSSIBLE! But I ache to move into a house. Sigh. I don't know how to get over it. But many of my friends my age have moved or are moving into a house, including my brother in law- they're building a house of their own! Through some community program. I thought they were pretty poor? Guess I was wrong... or maybe I just don't have the resources to know how to 'work the system' and know about all these government programs they have out there.

Anyway, I think that's enough for now.
Hope you're happy.
Liberty

The library alarms just went off for an evacuation.
Good bye.

Mini

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 13:58:21 GMT

Hey. I was going to write a post, but instead i caught up on my friends page. I'm sad they limited how far you can go back in the history, though. Sigh.
Anyway, I'm busy almost non-stop today, so it'll be a while before I have another 15 minutes I could have spent writing.
Whatev!

I'll be BACK!
Ahnold voice)

Snow

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 14:48:48 GMT

It's very snowy outside. I don't like snow very well. I like looking at it when it's first fallen and the trees and branches are 'crowned with snow', and being outside for a few minutes while it's snowing, to feel romantic and silly while the snowflakes fall in my hair and face, but that's it. I hate shoveling, I hate slush, I hate driving in it, I hate that it soaks my pants, I hate that the salt they put down stains my pants, and I hate having to wake up extra early to unearth my car.
But one of my classes was cancelled today, so that's cool.

I got a job on campus as one of several people giving weekly tours to incoming/potential students. Yay! that's a sweet $12 a week. :p whatever. Every little bit helps. They asked for people to blog once a week as students to promote the school, and I said I could, but that's a joke. I laughed on the inside. Hopefully they won't pick me, but if I was getting paid for it, at least it would be regular. ha!

Brandon and I bought a new laptop. To replace our old one, lappy. It was from 2002, one my mom used for her medical transcription work. She gave it to me when I went to college. It overheats, it takes 7 minutes from pushing power to having any program load to work on. It's slow, heavy and bulky. Brandon never took my complaints seriously until he used it himself. And we decided to get a new one. I'd run off the specs, but I don't think anyone here is a computer geek? Besides that, the only one I remember is 4GB of DDR2. I'm on the school's computer lab; Brandon uses lappy 2.0 in class now. I'm really glad he likes it so much. At first he talked me into getting a desktop, but we don't really have room for another desktop, and I love laptops because then I can work on stuff in bed, where it's warm and cuddly. So he planned out his dream desktop when we reconsidered and decided it'd be better to get a laptop instead. Heh heh heh. It's sad that this laptop is better than his desktop. It took me five to ten minutes to load his songs from itunes to a flashdrive. It took me 10 seconds to load them onto the laptop. No lie.

Anyway, I'm busy as ever, that hasn't changed. Did I mention I'm the Activity Day leader at church now? That means every 2nd and 4th Wednesday night, I get together with the 8 and 9 year old girls and do stuff (arts and crafts, learning songs, manners, skills, religion, etc). I'm excited, but our last meeting was the beginning of December! The last two were canceled, and tonight's is too, from the snow. Sigh.

I'm heading to class now. With any luck I'll be able to cross paths with Brandon. :]

(PS, I changed my mind about the friends/public thing. I don't really care, and it's one more thing I'd have to remember to do.)

Hello New Year

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 23:27:06 GMT

Hey there.
I agreed to restart my journal, in the hopes it would keep me in better touch with friends I've lost contact with since moving halfway across the country. Hi guys! No telling how long this will last. School may whisk me away again and I won't be on for very long stretches at a time, but I miss you all. It's fun having friends!

To try to encourage myself to write in here more often, I'm going to make this a friends-only journal after this. I always left it open because I felt I didn't have anything to hide, but I think making it more private will take off extra pressure to sound eloquent or well-spoken. Yeah, no one besides my friends would probably read this anyway, but it'll make me feel better.

So when I think of 2008 the biggest thing I think of is of course getting married. Brandon is a huge part of my life. And we have the best relationship I could ever hope for. Our circumstances could be a LOT better (more money, having our own apartment, etc), but we are happy with each other, and that's what counts.

When I think of 2009 I can only think of what I hope to accomplish.
-move out of the parents basement (finances pending)
-ace another semester, despite taking more classes
-lose some weight. yeah, I know this is everyone's resolution, but in my defense, I think this is the first year I've made it/been serious about it. It's also pretty vague. I realize I'm giving myself with low expectations to avoid disappointment. That's lame, but it's what I can do.

That's all. In general I'm a much happier, much more stable (emotionally) person.
There's more I could say, but to avoid a giganticized re-intro post, I'll end now, and hope that means I'll update more often. Welcome back!

What did you expect?

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 01:14:42 GMT

Hi there. Been a while.
Sorry. Why is this journal still alive? Shrug. Packrat I guess..

To Review:
I'm married now.
Sex is good.
What are your overheads? Flight of the Conchords.
We make homemade popcorn about 5 or 6 times a week.
We go swimming a lot.
School in two weeks. Student loans. Scary stuff. Taking 18 credits.
No job. No good. Random odd jobs at school.
Reading. Something other than Terry Goodkind! Shocker.
I wish I wrote more. But that's only because I'm reading more. I'm jealous.
I'm in a very long process (very long because I never do it) of editing a Soc professors book. Awkward for me.
I started playing Hellgate London. Fun times.
Slightly fatigued.
Finally finishing the Thank You cards. How late is too late to send them?
No health insurance. Slightly anxious.
I'm officially an Indiana resident now. Got my license. (I will never spell that word correctly). The test made me nervous. My picture is silly.
My blinking cursor has an annoying serif at the top. I don't know if it's a glitch or intentional. I don't like it.

Anyway. Why do I do this? Still write to no one for nothing? Well. Whatever. Hi Again! See you in another few months. Maybe if I had a purpose or goal or whatsits. Rather than just writing a periodic list of what's up. Would that be pretentious of me? Eh. I don't have the motivation/drive to keep up with anything regularly anyway. Same old same old.

"it is time!" (< movie quote? Rafiki from Lion King)

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 15:13:03 GMT

Anyway, HI!
IT IS TIME!
(for an update)

I know you all so desperately care, but, my 2 classes between 11.30 and 4.30 were cancelled. There's a lot of things I could be doing instead right now... going to Meijer to finish Election Board duties... writing the paper that was due today for my cancelled class... sleeping... eating... visiting Brandon... typing up minutes for the past three meetings that i've postponed doing... filling out my timecard that's due at noon.
um.

... This list makes me not want to post and actually do some of those things.
Aaah, the first in a long line of steps in responsibility. Thank you self!

In the meantime, I'll try to write again soon.
This was just a brief stopover to say hello. :]

psh, I have to say something worthwhile.

No, really all i should do is make more to-do lists.
No fun.
Sorry. miss you all. Keep reminding me to post and eventually I will. Thanks.

like a river flows, gently to the sea

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 16:25:53 GMT

darling so it goes... somethings are meant to be.

I feel like an update, despite my lack of anything really worthwhile to say.

My moods are still wild crazy and up and down. I don't know what to chalk it up to. So I'm just dealing. 2 of my classes were cancelled today (one at 10.30 and one at 1.30, and I had no classes in between) so I've got quite a bit of free time today. Remind me to use it wisely.

I'm doing Much Ado About Nothing right now. It's a big time commitment and on the one hand it's exciting happy fun etc, but so very different from hs plays. As to be expected. I'll adjust, hopefully. Similarly, Choir, the one thing I could always count on to be a fun time, was horrendous yesterday. It made me feel so inadequate. I always considered myself a strong leader when it comes to choral singing, but yesterday he had us sight reading through pages and pages of rossini. yark! That stuff is hard to begin with, crazy intervals and fugue singing that make it hard to sight read. I mean, It's fine to work in small chunks, where we go over a section a few times and then building on it- but to sight read through 8 pages of a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-amen teaches me nothing. Nothing! All it did was frustrate me and put me in a dreadful mood. So that day I went shopping and bought myself a pair of bright-yellow rubber clogs. For fifty cents. SWEET-HOT! I'm excited. I also bought a nice frying pan($1) and meat. And then ate it. The meat, not the pan. Fun times. I love thrift stores. Hooray! (ps, if you were wondering, no, the meat was not purchased at a thrift store. that was a regular store)

School is a lot, and post-christmas break, it's taken me 2 and a half weeks to feel the effects of not getting good sleep anymore. le sigh. I got a job. On campus. The Election Board. Meetings are at 8. Translating to waking up at 6.30ish. snap. At least I'm getting paid. Not a lot, with not a lot of hours, but as it gets closer to school election day, I'll be working a lot more. Crazy times! woot. At least I have a job, minimal though it is, it makes me feel more worthwhile.

Ok, I'm done. Until the next disorganized, randomly generated post...
adieu

Bad

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 20:08:58 GMT

so, my computer killed itself.
blue screen of death, killed itself.
i had to reboot the operating system, and now my computer is acting like i've taken it back years from what it was two days ago. irritating and upset. i lost all my music, can't upload microsoft office, and can't configure my wireless connection to the school's network. yeah, that sucks.

I'm hoping the biggest problem is that i lost all the automatic windows upgrades my computer has downloaded to itself for the past 5 years. but i can't access the internet to get to those. :\ anyway.

end irritating rant.

:] I'm still happy.

believe it.

been a while.

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 22:25:34 GMT

So! More than a month since my last entry. and time for more updates.

for those who hadn't heard: I'm getting married. :] Yes. To mah Brandon. In May. He's amazing. Perfect for Me. I love him. I'm happy. Still get random mood-attacks with no explanation, but Brandon helps. As I said, I love him. Last thing I expected coming out here to Fort Wayne of all places, for school. So when people ask how I ended up here, why I chose IPFW, I don't really have a specific answer. Yes, I wanted to leave NJ, thought about Chicago, my aunt went here, I got a scholarship, eh. yeah, that's all convenient and kind. but. that's not why I moved here. That's just it, there isn't a logical reason for why I moved here. But somehow I did. I feel a truer explanation for my translocation would be because here is where I was to meet Brandon. As silly and lame you may think that sounds, I believe in God enough to know that's exactly true.

ps, I started this a few days ago, and am picking it up now, Wednesday morning at 8:23, right after leaving my Psychology 'final' which was really just the last quiz. This means:

This semester
is over.

oh my, relief. I done good. If I'm allowed to say that as a college student. (har har). English really helped. My writing was a lot better just because I wrote in drafts. However, without formal drafts due for other papers, will I be able to enforce a schedule of drafts on myself to maintain that high-quality level of writing? We'll see. I had fun at least. Com was good. Psy and Soc, basic and easy. I did it. I'm pretty sure I got A's across the board for my final grades. I'm waiting to hear back from my last three teachers. (I took 6 classes this semester). Aah. That feels good.

I'm going home for Christmas, though I really can't afford it, for the gas. or for the presents. :\ Over Thanksgiving I spent over $150 on gas round trip, and that was with dad filling me up at home. eek. Money's a scary situation. I decided I really need a job. But school's always been my first priority. How much of that am I willing to sacrifice to make some [much-needed] money? changing my schedule? Losing study time? Losing sleep? church time? personal time? sigh. But if I don't work, don't make me some money, eventually my piggy bank is going to run dry. not good. We'll see.

I still need to work on my schedule for next semester anyway, I'm not happy with it. I'm taking a heavy load as it is, 19 hours, but I'm not sure I've picked the best classes. I'm taking a theater course as an elective, but it's more for fun, not really necessary. I could probably be taking a class more relevant to my major. I'm also taking a COM class that I really don't need. I signed up for it because of a great recommendation for the teacher and because it was honors. Then they dropped the honors, so I could only get H credit for it if I talked to the teacher and did some special project. So I should probably drop it. Unless I can use that as credit in place of another COM class that's required. Heavy duty business. Like you all care, anyway. Instead of that I'll probably take another Human Services course. The only tricksy bit is my schedule right now has me in class from 10 to 3 non stop on Tuesdays and Thursdays. eek. That frightens me. But I only have 2 classes MWF, so it's not like I'll never have free time. It's just a matter of making time to study and do my work on those three days. Unless I use that free time those three days at a job rather than studying. sigh. tough decisions.

I didn't mean for this to be such a downtrodden entry. I'm doing really good. I've found my library.

(Flashback/ Memory Lane/ Cheesy Childhood time!)
Libraries have always been part of my life. Ever since I was young, I'd spend hours at a time there. Ride my little bike up the street and settle in for some reading. I'd bring home 6 or 7 books at a time and read them all in a few weeks. I remember one time I lost a Judy Bloom book, and was amassing massive fines at the library for it being overdue. One day my sister says, 'Liberty, I found something for you! But I'm not sure if I should give it to you now or wrap it up and save it for Christmas.' haha. I'm glad she gave it to me then. At one point I kept a running list of all the books I'd read, how long they were, when I finished them. What books I wanted to read. I'd read all the time. I was never big into TV, because my siblings were always playing video games, hence I never had a chance to get hooked on those either. So in that age after learning to read and before I discovered the computer, I'd read nonstop. On the roof, in my bed, in the bath, in the shower, outside, in the sun, at school, at church. And then I stopped. Got too busy I suppose. I'd still read occasionally, but never as voraciously as before. Hopefully I can get some good reading done over break. I checked out a few books for myself. We'll see.
(End Flashback/ Memory Lane/ Cheesy Childhood time!)

I really need to sleep. And clean my room. And learn how to spell occasionally correctly. I always add an extra i before the s.
Yes, this is what matters to me, what I choose to write about in the magnificent online journal. hoo-ha. Oh, apparently I add extra I's in magnificent too.

Still, still. I love you all. Merry Christmases. If you'd prefer a different holiday-salutation, Happy-whatever-that-is as well.

Talk to you again a month or so from now. Thanks for letting me rant. :] Adios

November-Tastic!

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 21:06:43 GMT

Hey it's November! That's enough to warrant a new post, right? As usual, this will be random, unimportant splashes of me.

Oftentimes I spell like a six-year-old would. That is, phonetically. It's so weird. Even simple easy words: Fense for fence. etc. I would wonder why my brain does that.

I need a good stretch. Like an on 'the rack' stretch. Like good old Cutbert Simson here

I'm angry with pizza. It's like one of those annoying, loud friends, that's always everywhere and they're SO irritating, but you just can't bear to push them far enough away. So you eat them instead. Ooo, a dangerous simile. I like that one.

In relation to my spelling problem- one of the reasons I love Firefox is because it'll catch my spelling errors for me. Thanks! Though I do try to proofread most of when i spit out online before releasing it.

I'm too tired/distracted to write. I should be napping. It seems lately I can never get more than 6 hours of sleep a night. And I've never had a problem falling asleep before. But now I'm just laying in bed, doing nothing for a half hour, forty minutes at a time before I nod off. That's cutting into precious sleep hours! Unintentionally!

I see a lot of people in a day. I like to think about them. wonder about them. Mostly wonder if they're happy. If they enjoy their life. If they know why they're happy or unhappy. If they know how to fix it? If they choose not too? Have they settled for something mediocre or are they satisfied with the way things have turned out. My favorite question to ask people who are working (cashiers mostly) is if they enjoy their job. And then I wonder how truthful they are being, or if they think I am a 'mystery shopper.' I try to be friendly to most people. Though I'm not all that nice- I pick and choose who to approach, who to converse with. But I like making people smile. That's why I'm studying human services. I've found myself to be naturally uplifted when I can uplift someone else. It validates me as a person, I think. Makes me appreciate myself more. Because I've become valuable to someone else, even for so brief a time as it takes to exchange smiles. It's like my own homemade therapy.

Though I would argue.. no... I would question. Does that always work? I think you have to have a positive attitude about it. Or does that come with service? Are you helping others because you are happy, or are you happy because you are helping others? Or do both apply? Sometimes with extended, exhausting service, one becomes cynical, jaded, bitter. If service is supposed to be a positive experience, how can we prevent that? Is that change for the worse in attitude the fault of the situation--the circumstances of service-- or the fault of the person doing the service? Is it a combination of factors? Can it be entirely prevented, or is it inevitable in any case?

Hmm. That was a nice meandering walk through Liberty's shady, tree-lined thoughts.

I should go. It looks fairly sodden out. Because most of the travel I participate in throughout the day occurs naturally, i.e. walking, I think this means I'll be fairly sodden soon too. Thank you words, for letting me play around with you. Glad you don't mind too much.

Aah. I'm glad that life is good. I hope that yours is too. Or if not at least you've thought to examine the fundamental pieces of your life that make it tolerable or not. Oh, but who am I to talk. Do as you please. Or as you're naturally disposed to, if that is the case instead. I'll just watch. Take notes. Murmur. Though most importantly, I will always offer friendly assistance or support when asked. Loves to all.

I hate being sick.

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 12:54:28 GMT

random silly, distracting-myself-from-real-work entry. I'm writing this instead of an analysis of Michael Douglas's character in Falling Down. Great movie, I thought, of the 30 minutes i saw of it, in clips and snatches in Soc class.

Anyway, being sick.
It sucks. In a cyclical way.
I don't like being sick.
But, I don't like going to the doctor.
Nor do I like taking medicine.
So I never get any healthier
I just get meh-ier.

Ha. A far cry from my philosophical examinations of earlier. Speaking of being philosophical, I've felt so very often of late. I do so enjoy it. The 'Intelligencia': having discussions and thinking beyond the superficial, surface-value thoughts and actions we have every day. Do you know what I mean? (I always ask that, because my thoughts don't always translate to my language.)

Oh yeah, and because i don't go to doctors or do the medicine, I don't know how to make myself better. Neither do I know how to self-diagnose, so even if I wanted to take medicine, I couldn't because I'd have no idea where to begin. A fine hole I've gotten myself into, huh. Sad.

Random Sidebar: I have struggled with the word 'belie' ever since I learned of it. Every time i think to use it I have to look it up to make sure it means what I think it does. I don't think I'll ever learn its proper usage.

In other news, unrelated to the current topic of discussion but very much relevant to me and my life, I'm terribly in love with Brandon. Not really sure what to say or how to explain it, just that it happened, its amazing, and i'm going to be very happy with him for a very long time. sigh ( a contented sigh, not a frustrated one )

also.
1. i am really looking forward to some hot grits and honey when i get home. or some hot milk and honey. just something warm and honey-y to make my throat feel less pained and more happy.
2. I am really cold at the moment.
3. Waking up this early ( to do schoolwork I'm not currently doing) has many consequences, positive and negative. I lose much- much-needed sleep, but I get my work done, as well as other silly things like lj. More phenomenally, I get to watch the dawn. Happy surprises. It happens so slowly so quickly.
4. getting scheduled early. :] picking my own schedule. being excited for classes. scared for professors.

5. gah! I have 40 minutes to finish this stupid paper and I've been here for two and a half hours already.

6. spelling out 'point of you' for point of view. seriously? What is that kind of dyslexia? It happens all the time!

(This post was created over a three hour period as random thoughts entered my head when I should have been thinking other things. Eh. Random thought is just as worthwhile as the organized kind sometimes.)

:]

Honest?

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 03:04:58 GMT

that last sentence of that last post will be expounded upon here. As it is serious, dull and not of the natural and light-hearted tone you may be used to, it has been separated from the previous post (previous referring to the chronology of said posts) and lj-cut to spare you my self-deprecating drama.

so if you're a human being, or at least a Sumner, you go through these cycles where you can go from happy and yay to utter crappy and no. These cycles can occur over weeks, months, days. Hard to say, hard to tell. I mean because there's no set timeframe it's hard to say what sets these moods off and what clears them up. It's easy to say you have no control over your mood. But I disagree. Sort of. Gah, that's my problem. I make excuses and backdoors for myself so it's okay when I fail. Chicken! yeah, me. I talk a lot of smack, analyze and judge a lot of people, but when it comes to myself, please. Who wants to examine themselves. Oh this has been a long time coming.

So let me preface this discourse on optional happiness and depression by saying I often choose the helplessness. The 'this is my chemicals, i can't control them' escape route rather than telling myself to stand back up and finish. This lecture is for me, primarily. I'm just talking out loud.

Can you control how you feel? You could slice it up so many ways, dividing into intensity of emotion, the manifestation of emotion, which emotions themselves are controllable, etc. (and why do i choose to spend my time diving into this rather than a textual analysis of Todd Clear's paper on the effect of incarceration on public safey?) Surely you can agree one can control whether or not their behavior evidences their emotions. If you don't want people to know you hate them, you can avoid contact with them. If you don't want people to know you feel like crap, you put on a happy face, with varying degrees of success. Whether or not you succeed at the goal to hide emotions could be a whole nother examination in itself. Did you secretly want to fail or were you honestly not capable of fooling people? Intentionally? Unconsciously? Think about it.
Some people would say you can't control who you love. Well can you control who you hate? Can you control who you are friendly too? There are so many levels to social interaction, it's hard to discriminate which actions and effects are freely chosen and which are products of our environment, biology or personality. Can you control how you feel? I have limited and narrow resources to back up any hypothesis I might propose. I can only offer my own biased experiences. Slanted, as you may expect, by a number of factors, internal, external, intentional and incidental. (Apologies for my formal, tone. I may still be experiencing a residual paper-writing mindset)

My experiences that confirm the belief you can control your emotions:
Smiling makes you happy. If you are of a mediocre mood, smiling will make it a better one. You'll be happier. Whether this only works when you are in a neutral state I haven't tested. Perhaps had I already decided it was going to be a piss-poor day, smiling would do nothing to enhance my level of enjoyment. I've never tried it, because normally when one feels absolutely worthless, experimenting with facial expressions' affect on mood doesn't come to mind.
To the contrary, I have also experienced drowning depression, when nothing, no amount of wanting to be out of it, or wishing it would go away could lift the torrent of emotions I'd somehow unleashed on myself. How did I escape though? Surely it must be possible, or we'd all be stuck with the first emotion we ever experienced. How do you alleviate such daunting, heavy, moods? I only have a few notions I've tried. Again, I must put in a disclaimer that these 'solutions' may be as circumstantial as a mood swing. It's hard to find the line, the trend between time, space, activities and mood. Did I feel better because I went running? Or because enough time had passed? Or because I was separated from other humans? Meh. one of those things you don't really think or care about until you're deep down inside a well of self-shit-eating. Don't really know how else to explain it.

Anyway, returning to surface value conversation, the fact is, I feel uneasy, on edge. And meh. Just not knowing what is to blame for this feeling (genetics, conscious, personality, circumstance, reality, chemicals, etc) is just as disconcerting as the emotion itself. I cannot make any valuable examination of my self and emotions if I don't know where they came from or why. Hence I cannot take any steps to improve the situation, beyond random guess and testing. And as I said before, I am one who surrounds herself with loopholes and trickdoors to let me off the hook when things get sticky. This may very well be one of those times. I'll take no action. Just hide and cower until it has seemed to pass. Unhealthy, yes. But well-practiced on my part. At least it's something familiar.

I think I've expended myself.
But the feelings remain.

Take a stab at it.

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 02:56:48 GMT

hey, I'm revising and editing entries to be more than half-written lists. yay.

Some good things about college/life.
Waffles, Waffle Irons, and finding the only waffle iron located in the store for $11, boxless in the clearance aisle. Success! Food in general is an enjoyable experience. I bought meat for myself for the first time today. We'll see how that goes. Music. Oh music. I'm in love with music. I miss it. I definitely don't get enough music. I think I need an ipod. Though that still wouldn't entirely solve all my problems, as I'd never get to download new music onto my old faded laptop. Also, today I was smelling cookie dough, although there were clearly no cookies anywhere in my vicinity. My nose is wily. I did get a great nap in the student union lounge. Have I expounded yet on the glories that is that lounge? That's where kids go to sleep. There's five or six couches there and at least half of them are always occupied by immobile snoozing bodies. Even more fun is sharing a 'waking up' moment with a fellow sleeping student. Small happies. Also included in that category is every time I pass this friendly tall fellow. He's always listening to his ipod but we always have pleasant smile times. Maybe someday I'll meet him.

On the other hand life is not always a happy bag of oranges.
I am living on the tail end of a race. Like the rabbit. I chill out and sleep and go crazy until the 9th hour when I can do nothing but curse myself and strain to meet minimal possible requirements. I'm getting very good at it. But that does not make it acceptable. Only half of it is skill. Not even. about 2/3rd of that is just getting lucky. Sigh. For instance, this morning I happened to wake up when the clock read 5.30. I thought it'd be the perfect time to start my paper, due at 9 o clock. I did and finished but ugh. i don't like that habit. I have honestly no idea how to rectify this issue. Short of cutting off any and all social ties I have, including the computer. Not only do I lack the motivation to get my work done, I arrange my schedule such that neither do I have the time. I'm not sure if advice would really help me or not but you can try? Know what else sucks? Money. I'm trying not to put a ton of money into my checking account because I know I'll spend it and it'll go pbthb, but this can cause problems when i'm checking out at Walmart and don't have enough money in my account to pay for groceries. That's just stupid and sad and makes the day go to crap. meh. I feel i may be on a downward trend for a while.

Which is another topic in and of itself. As evidenced by the following post. (following post referring to the chronology of said posts). Following post being the one I started writing here under a cut and decided it was to long and serious to be attached to this one.

[unintelligible garble sounds here]

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 18:34:36 GMT

Hi. Been a long time again, as always. I've been meaning to update recently, but never actually had the time to sit down and put together an entry, so I haven't. But now I am, as 1) I have the time and 2) it would make Brandon happy, and what makes Brandon happy makes me happy.

updatey type things? gah, i don't have the memory for this. I can only spout random thoughts that pass through my head in no particular order or reason.

Ah, I know!
Rocky Horror Picture Show. I auditioned for it. Got a part. Janet. If you haven't seen RHPS, this means I'll be mostly unclothed through the majority of the show. We're talking in a slip and/or corset and undies. eek? yes. This also means I will be inviting no one I know to come see it. Sorry, friends. I'll work on something more family-friendly for you all.

Music Ah music. I feel almost deprived of music. I'm not, really, it's just that the torrential downpour of music I once exposed myself to has become a slippery trickle. Mostly because I haven't downloaded Limewire to my laptop, so i cannot be constantly trying out new musics. I don't think that's gonna change anytime soon either. My laptop's internet connection is too spotty to download anything of a large size, and my laptops memory is too miniscule to withstand the barrage of information I'd be throwing at it.

I'm cold. Everytime I get cold, I get scared, because I know it'll only get colder with the winter. And being cold makes me so sad. Winter in general is a sad time. Except for those times right after it snows, when the thick white makes the sounds and air and world heavy and quiet. There are still layers of snow all over the trees and the world isn't the world anymore, but a mysterious in-between place that you don't recognize because it's so radically different and beautiful. I look forward to that brief period of winter. So it's not all bad, I suppose. :]

Lists are better for me. Total breakdown of continuous thought here:

Grapefruit spoons! Bought some. Which means I now am allowed to buy grapefruit! Looking forward to it. One of my favorite fruits. Citrus in general I am a big fan of. There was a time I ate an orange a day. Speaking of going to stores and buying things, I also need more soy milk. But nothing else. My food supplies are a mess. Filled with totally random disjointed things. I should just work on eating what i got before I buy more crap. Soy milk, however, is a limited commodity, and I require some more.

I feel it worth mentioning that my car has been accident-free in Indiana thus far. Knock on wood.

Ah, speaking of grapefruit spoons, I'm in the process of rediscovering one of my favorite albums. I forget what it's called, but it's by a band called the Big Fish Ensemble, and they have the most quaint, likeable, make-strange-sense-able lyrics. I say this speaking of grapefruit spoons because everytime I speak of grapefruit spoons I almost invariably sing that line from that song, "cut my heart out with a grapefruit spoon." Perfect. Except grapefruit spoons only come in packs of 4, when I need only one. I gave one away to Krystyl. The others are sitting patiently for their time to shine atop my highest desk shelf. I'll find you again, someday, brave spoons.

Anyway, my brain is stretched and lost right now. I'll gather it all back together some other time. I'm supposed to be creating a powerpoint on deviance and gender. oo la la. I hope you don't mind my disjointed entries. It is who I am. Enjoy. With Love.

Happy // Things

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 21:08:23 GMT

A list

People who smell really really good. You know in those commercials, where the girl catches a whiff of somebody as they pass by and she turns around and stares all drooly. That's happened to me.

Beautiful people. Cute people. Meeting people. That makes me happy for the rest of the day. how bout just people. new people.

Saying hello to strangers, them genuinely returning the greeting.

Oversized chess sets. and by Oversized I mean squares about a foot and a half wide.

Great music.

Singing. Being so happy you feel like singing. That's never happened to me before today. :]

Free things.

Seeing someone quietly lament passing a piece of pizza dropped on the ground.

Nice smelling laundry detergent.

Getting money back.

The most comfortable, sweet-hot chairs ever designed.

Being warm.

Good grades.

:]

College Again.

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 03:18:58 GMT

Things I have done.
I feel I'm doing well
(Princess Bride line)

Currently I ...
1. go to bed between 1 and 4 am every 'night'
2. wake up at 7.30 ish every morning
3. don't do enough of my homework. homework meaning reading. because it takes me forever to read. because i make outlines. otherwise i wont remember
4. Spend a moderate amount of time on the net, though time when i should be doing other, more important things
5. Eat sporadically.
6. Have decided to switch from regular milk to soy. yessss
7. need to do some serious laundry. It's starting to migrate out of my closet...
8. Am having a good time.

Notable events:
Auditioned into the University Singers late. (I didn't know) So that's pretty much amazing. Contrary to high school choir, everyone involved actually has talent. We have a beautiful male section! SEXY robust men singing! I haven't heard that ... in ... like... ever. So that makes me smile. I'm so glad. I love singing. yay. Also we have some aaamazing fun music. My favorite is called "Stomp Your Foot" upon the floor, throw the windows open, Take a breath of fresh June air and dance around the room. It's a lot of fun, and it starts with this amazing male solo that just is.. AAAH! hehe. yeah. could you tell I like singing?

I am now to be Treasurer of the Sociology Students Association. They were short officers and none of the existing members wanted the position so I volunteered and they waited a few days and said sure. :] How does that happen? Also contrary to high school, the treasurer actually does stuff. Like has to go through university-run training stuff. Cool.

I've been keeping pretty busy too, hitting up all the free-food events I can find. Attended a fabulous (free-food) anthropology lecture on the Nahua people of Central America. That was pretty amazing. And live entertainment at a 'Night in Paris' and joined the Stichery (sewing, knitting, crocheting, spinning) Club, and new-release movie night (A Perfect Stranger- gross), making friends, going out to eat, shopping shopping shopping (but not for fun stuff like shoes, just mediocre stuff like tape and scissors), showering daily (hey, this is a big thing for college students), hanging with the church kids three times a week, started taking a once weekly rape-agression defense (RAD!) course, which actually leaves me really more distraught rather than empowered. I don't really enjoy it. It's scary I guess? To think that this is necessary? and a dodgeball tournament and a christian worship service and a free ice cream truck! (I got a tweety bird. That's all i ever got. I remember this from when I was like, 5), and picnics and homework and fun stuff and dull things.

:] I'm enjoying myself. Yay.
Just thought I'd update you. :]

Ah yes, for all those in the MapleShadian area- plans have begun for the next Friends-Friendly Thanksgiving Party- "The Great TURKATRON Fest." Everyone who attends must bring a dish (preferably homemade. And I'm talking food not plates) and it will be fun and fellowship and general good will. :] November 24th. Mark the date.

Love me Tender

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 02:48:30 GMT

This video... i think it will become my new obsession. that's some mad hot dancin. I think, if I had been in that video, my life would've been complete. Really. I could've died happy knowing i was immortalized with some wicked awesome 80's dancing. jealous.

pay no attention to the fact that it's labeled on youtube as the worst music video ever

Vaginas. College.

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 01:44:51 GMT

I don't post im convos. but this one... it was special.

Dan: see, guys never say that kind of thing
Dan: we have nowhere to hide these surprises
Dan: girls have like hiding places

me: hahahaha
me: where?

Dan: you hide our surprises

me: ... um.
me: are you talking about vaginas.
me: cuz if you are. you can just say it.
me: vaginas.

Dan: why limit yourself to one hole lmao

ANYWAY

College. good.
Psychology= lectures podcasted. my biggest class. like 60-80 people?
Sociology= the teacher speaks very slowly, skips over whole slides in his powerpoint and is just very vague.
Computer Skills= wow. dummy class, but the teacher is fun. My homework was to play with paint. yessss
Com H= I like my teacher. He's wonderful. Public speeches soon. yay!

English H. (this one will be more in depth)
I think I've decided I don't get along with English teachesr. They irritate me. I don't know why. I'm cool with Ms. D now, because she's no longer my English teacher. This though is gonna be a toughie. I procrastinate. I do what I want. Sometimes that means I do well, Often it means I do not. This teacher wants to receive three drafts of each paper. ew. i don't even write in drafts. Sure, maybe by the end of the semester I'll be in love again, but this is purely nonsense.

I'm trying to take pictures of campus and everything, but I haven't really tried very hard. I went to a show today, with a friend of mine from church. It was a small outdoors show and we left early, because it's not cool to listen to gramma psychadelic music, so he showed me around downtown instead. We hit it off pretty well but he's leaving in two weeks, unfortunately. So that means I'll be left with the dramalama in the singles ward. ew. not acceptable. Also, it's nice when boys smell good. Ft Wayne is pretty beautiful. I do enjoy the scenery. Still working on getting to know it though.

College Food situation? I don't really make meals. I just eat random crap that I like. Toasted bagels with butter. Wheat bread and butter, pepporoni with cheese and crackers, rice cakes, saltines with cream cheese. really, it's great. I've made tuna and pbj too, so it's not like I'm entirely snack-based. but that's kind of what it is, I don't eat regular meals, I just eat whenever I feel like it. I don't know if that'll turn out good or bad. Right now I"m eating the most delicious thing I've discovered this year. Honey Nut Cheerios in Vanilla Soy milk. It's magical. try.

Oh also, I've been here a week and I'm already in a movie the church kids are planning. Awesome!

In IN (ha. get it?)

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 22:28:14 GMT

hello.
I speak to you from Indiana. My more permanent home for the next four years.
I'll be attending IPFW On a reneawble scholarship for full tuition and fees.
HOT!

That makes me... like... ... the way words cannot describe.
Shopping, I bought a body pillow, which is a very poor substitute for a cuddle buddy, but a substitute nonetheless. Didn't buy much for the kitchen, as my roommates, whom I emailed three weeks ago, have not communicated with me AT ALL. Mild irritation makes itself felt when I think of that. ... The structure of that sentence I'm sure was unnecessary, but that is the way in which I wanted it presented.

I have homework to do which I will not be doing. And.
Well. I'm Liberty.

WAVE

sorry, a silly mood this one is. Perhaps a more 'for-real' update later. laaater.

[overplayed song lyrics go here]

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 02:05:59 GMT

It's been hot up here.
My hair has been fun.
I suck at beiing motivated to do boring things.
like getting my liscence changed and cleaning my room.
I should get on that, huh.

A thought I had, recently.

There is nothing that cultivates despondancy more than sitting on the toilet with nothing to do.

uh, I'm awkward.
I miss people all ready.

The zen way of looking at that would be something like, little do I know I miss the people I haven't met at college yet too. Maybe. Make sense? Thought not.

I will explain... No that will take to long, I will sum-up...

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 17:33:19 GMT

Hey
Sorry for the long pauses between thoughts.
A delicious combination of busyness, lazyness and thoughtlessness have culminated in the rare usage of this journal. I still read my friends page regularly, but unfort. do not comment as often as I should.
(I always repeat some variation of this prologue every time I do this, so apologies again for the seeming insincerity)

That was just because I like to play around with words.

Right now I'm getting ready to move from Maple Shade to Indiana (kinda like this) I leave this Sunday. My schedule is full to popping with trying to cram last minute hangouts with all my friends in there. I'm going to Decatur where my aunt lives until I can move in at IPFW that Thursday. That whole week is a Freshman Honors Seminar I'm attending and then that Friday is 'freshman fest.' awoo-hoo? Still mostly stress. I get these bouts of self-confidence and motivation and drive and then slip into periods of 'omgomgomgomg.' I'm working on controlling it.

Things I've done recently...

1. Rocky Horror July 21st. Fabulous dress-up get bonkers fun. I wish I could go every weekend. I think I'd enjoy that. Long irritating car drive, but we had a blast and went out to eat. Got in bed around 6. Also that day got my hair cut shorter.

2. Road Trip July 22nd to July 25th. I stayed up til about 3 writing out our directions. We left at 8. This section is worthy of a whole nother entry. Cedar Point. College crap. Picnics. Plays. Speeding. It was an Excellent Road Trip Adventure.

3. Youth Conference July 25th to July 28 Church kinda Camp. Good Times. Good people.

4. July 28th, Choir Concert-Type Thing. Last time I performed with our choir thing.

5. July 29th- August 4th. Camp Hope. A whole lot of fun with a whole lot of people. I'm glad I went, will probably go again next year.

6. July 4th. Katy's Bday Dinner. Went to Fridays, with Cheesecake Factory desserts. Then Chuck and Larry with Chris and Katy

7. July 5th My graduation type Party. It was muchos funos. I'm not a very good hostess, my mom was really stressing, but I had a good time. Got some integral college-going gifts. yay. Left for 2 hours to go to choir practice for the last time. oops. We danced in the rain. I had more fun. I love all my friends. love!

This week's schedule. While packing up my room and getting everything done to leave the state I will try to...

a. Monday hang out with Megan, Dan Dan the Banana Man, Jill & Julia. Also my brother is leaving for AZ again. I love my brother.

b. Tuesday, hang out with Julie & Megan, and Ben

c. Wednesday, hang out with Chris and Katy

d. Thursday, go on a mission with Josh

e. Friday, walk the bridge with MF, Marching Band party at Chris's which I may or may not be allowed to attend and may or may not care about the answer

f. Saturday, to Philly with Rackham Raccoon and Julia

g. Sunday outie.

After that.

I feel like that'll be the end of the rope. Then I'll just have to jump off this ledge. And on to another. Try not to fall too hard.

All I want to be...

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 06:31:46 GMT

I don't care what Cat says
I danced my shoes off.

one of them only remains attached by the toes and the tongue, the other was vandalized by some serious Spearmint gum. I can still smell it. Creepy.

Man Man Concert tonight. It was phenomenal.
Listening to Deerhunter made me physically ill. I wanted to vomit. The leadsinger made me very uncomfortable. Ew.
ODeath was fabulous. I've never seen anyone have that much fun playing a banjo or a violin. Pretty intense.

Sorry, it is 2.30 am,
i'm leaving tomorrow for a minitrip to Indiana.
love love love.

Fruit on the Bottom. Hope on Top

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 05:20:02 GMT

I laughed so hard.

Again, I feel I owe an entry but have still nothing to say.
I'll try to do an honest for real-life glance one.
ha.

So, Summers up.
I have a lengthly to-do list.

1. Finish College Preparations including placement tests, housing, orientation, details of the (multiple?) moves, etc (meaning can't remember/think of what else)

2. Rocky Horror. I will go again before I leave.

3. Multiple Shows. Dance Party. Man Man has some of the best music ever. I feel like they are music. Not people, or a band, they're just MUSIC. the emotion, the feeling. I cannot describe, but it's a sound that grabs me and makes me scream with happy being driving down the highway. It's like the opposite of infinity, but just as good. The moment.

4. Plan sisters B-Day Party. Julia is 17.

5. Clean room/house before leaving

6. Hang out with as many friend as possible before I leave. This list of friends is extensive. Some for selfish reasons. Some... for fun. Most. because they're my amazing friends.

Much of my entries are lists. I have a strange way of talking. Also I have jumpy thoughts.
I'm so not a person.

SMILE

Really, though, this is fine. I'm on a good swing for a while.
I understand myself a little better, so that let up some pressure.
And
I like people.

This is kind of my ... yes, my totally unedited thoughts. I realize I could probably turn this all into a beautiful panorama of thinks but. naaah.
Live for me.

no I don't know what I mean either.
may be a mis take.
remember words?

[excuse here]
Smile Twice.
I'll let you now.

Peekaboo.

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 03:52:46 GMT

Sorry, I'm bad with updating.
Apologies.
Recent Things.
NYC. Banquet. Prom. Prom Weekend. Shore-ing. Whoring. Graduating (I am co-valedictorian) Nothinging.

Plans:
Multiple Camps
College at Indiana University
Many Parties
Rocky Horror.

Friends.
I like them.
Thanks.

oh and I cut my hair.
Remember Last Time

It was just as long and now just as short but much less traumatic.
In fact I plan on cutting it shorter soon and hopefully styling it in a funness.
We'll see how that turns out.

Apologies for my Brevity.
I have no inspiration.
I am tired. It is late.
Loves.